Crack Pot Wonderland
by wolfdawn
Summary: This is a story written for my friend's birthday. I hope that you like it. Break is trapped in Abyss and his sole comfort is writing in a diary about his adventures in Abyss. Alice, having lost her memory is a prisoner of her sister who runs a strip club, Cheshire pees on the furniture all the time and Duke Barma is late for his ballet class with Sharon. brelice and I don't own PH
1. Break's Diary

Chapter 1-Break's Diary.

**This is a story that I'm writing in honor of my friends birthday. But if anyone else likes it then feel free to do the usual. (I mean review and follow you bloody pervs!) **

19-I don't really care.

I believe it's Wednesday (feels like a Wednesday anyway)

About teatime

Dear Dierey Diaray Die..di...however it's spelt.

Morning:

Am in Abyss. Was sent here by Pandora. Was apparently 'accident' but just so happened to occur after I told Sharon that Alice was 'bigger' than her. Oz said it as well but does she trap him here in abyss? Oh no no no!

Must have been on her period...

Alice was sent here too after seal got broken. I believe she lost her memory (again) and had broken the gateway so we are trapped here. Very clever. Must be all that protein,; it's affecting her mental workings.

Anyway, might as well look for lollipops.

some time later:

Am bored. There are no lollipops and so far two rather rude dolls tried to murder/rape me. Intentions were not clear at the time.

When landed here, landed on left arm and broke it. It doesn't hurt much but I am not right handed so my writing is loopy and all over the place.

about bed time now:

Lollipops. I want a lollipop. it isn't even funny. I'm beginning to hallucinate from lack of sugar intake.

Oh dear.

The dolls are back.

Early afternoon:

Am currently being dragged by feet by dolls. I am fairly certain that I will be gang-banged. They are dragging me over v. bumpy rocks.

Wonder if will have to become a hooker who gets paid in lollies...

Oh dear me.

We are going under ground.

The dolls are dragging me into this cave that I do not like one bit. Also arm of killing me as have been lying on it for most of the way. Emily is jumping around on it too.

Dolls have finished dragging and are now throwing rocks at my head.

One had gone in my eye.

Emily is very peeved. She is jumping up and down on shoulder in agitated fashion. It is rather funny.

Another doll has appeared. He has an eye patch, do not know what this means but I won't care as long as he has lollies. He appeared to be the boss doll. He is muttering at the other in doll language and is now glaring at me.

Oh dear.


	2. Break's crazy thoughts

Break's crazy thoughts.

Morning entry:

Dear diarrhoea,

Have just woken up from having very strange dream. It resolved around Alice chasing me through a wood that smelled like fish and garlic (at least there were no vampires. (That would've been too mainstream for my swag to handle) brandishing what looked that a baseball bat with nuts glued to it (How the hell did she find out about my nut allergy? Creepy stalker! Everyone just wants to rape me these days...)

Anyways, then for some reason we switched and I was chasing her. Then she turned around and started making pedo faces at me. I looked down and saw that I was butt naked! The pervert!

Though seeing as Alice is a girl wouldn't that mean that I have to change it into a female word or some grammatical shit like that? Maybe perverta? Pervertina? Pervertiniainateia?

Which reminds me, always wanted to know what the plural of penis was. Peni maybe?

I'll just have to ask a English teacher. Wonder if there are any schools around here?

Regardless, now what happened with the do-NOW THAT'S NICE!

Morning Entry no.2

Sorry about that rather vulgar outburst. Emily told me to stop writing in my diary like a little girl and to stop thinking about sex.

Rude creature.

Regardless, what happened with the dolls yesterday was OH MY DEAR LORD! IS THAT A LOLLIPOP I SMELL!

Oh.

no?

*sob*

Anyway. What happened was that the eye patch doll yelled at the others in doll language (try to imagine gargling with mouthwash using your nose) and then he turned to me and, polite person I am, I asked him if he had any lollies. He then slapped me across the face. Abuse of Human rights! I almost called the ploice but then I remebered that telephones haven't been invented yet.

Now, I don't know what his problem was but for some reason he got pro[er mad at me and chucked me in a room.

Apparently, I said all that shit about calling the police out loud.

Now he said that he was going to have a private chat with me in my room about my behaviour and personnaly I think that just sounds wrong.

Like, really, really wrong.

I mean the wrong sort of wrong.

Emily is telling me to stop thinking about sex again.

Tea time entry:

Helloo there you charming little wotsit and wtf just happened then.

Anyways, so the doll guy came and started lecturing me in Engrish (That's actually how he pronounced it) and said that if I drop my bad behaviour he may consider taking me with him.

Then I was like, "WTF."

And then he slapped me, again.

So anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah, the creepy doll guy.

He told me that now that the chain B-rabbit (Alice) had returned, many people were looking for her to either harm her or torture her into telling them a way to get out of abyss. I know, how ABYSSmal of them.

That was one of my less successful jokes.

But admit it, that was punny.

Emily is not amused.

Now back to the conversation, the doll guy told me that he wanted to get to Alice before an of the others did, because apparently he owed her and he needs to repay her.

He was very tight lipped about the whole thing though.

So he said that he may need me to help him win fights and shit (also if things get messy he said that hopefully I will be able to keep them busy for a few minutes).

I asked him if there will be lollies and he slapped me.

I think he has a problem with sugar.

Now what was I going on about, oh yeah, right, the Alice business.

Apparently we'll leave tomorrow and he left his two nephews in charge of his shop. I know, he owns a shop now. Apparently.

It doesn't sell lollies tho. I asked and guess how that ended.

So I think I should stop writing now because my hand is getting proper tired now.

Also, Emily is threatening to piss all over my 'little girl book' if I don stop writing now.


	3. Break's Christmas Poem

**Just in case you're all wondering, yes, I may do a Christmas special chapter thingy and Alice is probably going to come along soon. **

Break's Christmas Poem.

You're all so excited about Christmas

About a fat man breaking into your house for some reason.

But all I want is a lolly.

And all Emily wants is some porn.

Emily calls me a pervert.

So I always call her a slut.

She says that I'm a girl.

For writing in this book.

Now being me is hard, you see;

Life is a disaster, My clothes are a disaster, Emily is a disaster,

My mum is also a disaster.

And so is my mobile phone. (hint hint christmas for me)

Whenever I look at a girl, she thinks I fancy her!

The perverts. Perving off me.

So when you put your god damn presents,

Under your god damn tree,

Remember that I'm broke,

So give something to me.


	4. Break's genius plan

Daer dairy,

If you have OCD then you're probably having a major melt down bacause of the spelling mistake. Now I, Xerxes (is that how I spell my name? I'll have to ask my mummy) Break, just had a traumatic moment.

Do not even ask me about what major shit happened to me today. Because it was really, really traumatic.

Anyway, so- what's this? If I don't tell you about what happened in juicy detail you'll all un follow me on Twitter? Rude people, manipulative crocodiles, dragging my social media into this.

Fine then, have it your way.

So first, I was just happily sitting on a rock, you know, day dreaming about lollipops though Emily keeps on saying that I was thinking about sex. But isn't you thinking about other people thinking about certain physical activities just saying that you're ever more dirty minded than them?

I thought so.

Ha! In your fat little stuffed doll face!

So now where was I? Oh yes. So the creepy doll, (he said his name was Bubba) went on ahead to check if his information was right, and Alice had been sighted in the next abyss town and yes, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "what the hell is an abyss town?" And I, having superior knowledge over you commoners will simply have to explain myself; an abyss town is a town that's created when chains' dead contractors turn into a building or object because they had a close relationship with that particular building or object when they were alive. Still don't get it? You dumb fucks... So let's say that a person was a teacher, then, for some mysterious reason, they made a contract with a chain and when the handle on their dial finished it's rotation and they where flung down into abyss. Their soul would take on the form of a school building or some shit like that. Basically, an abyss town is a cluster of these buildings.

And trust me on this one, it looks like a spoilt little 5 year old took a bunch of toy buildings, covered them in glue and chucked then all down the stairs at the same time. I'm not even talking metaphorically. Knowing the will of the abyss, that's probably what happens.

So anyway, moving on from that wonderful describing by me, so me and Emily were having a wee bit of an argument. She was telling me that I was a perv and I was telling her that she was just jealous as she had no reproductive organs. Well imagine this, I'm just getting to the point, when this fat doll comes running over the horizon, his fatty belly jumping up and down with each step he takes, imagine that. Yeah, that's the reaction I had. I felt like I was going to get eye cancer just looking at him.

So he runs up to us, huffing and puffing like the retarded child of a rollercoaster and a steam engine, and starts speaking in dollneese (this a word that my brilliant mind created, worship it as you do me if that's not too much trouble) to Emily. Not I don't want to sound racist or anything, but I find it unnerving when two people that you know for fact don't particularly like you are talking right next to you in a different language.

So anyway, then Emily turned to me and told me to get me (yes, she said me not my, there goes the melt down again) lazy buttocks moving and that Bubba had a genius plan for us.

Now, call me superstitious, but I had a really bad feeling about this. A really, really bad feeling about this.

"Now listen up you little dipshit," Bubba growled at me, fishing with his eye patch, "I need you to come with me."

My alarm bells were ringing faintly but eh, what could I do? So I followed him and then I knew I had been right.

3 dolls as creepy as can be burst out of a chest of drawers and pinned me to the ground, then these other dolls came in holding what looked like an item of clothing and started pulling it other my head. Now I was kicking and screaming "I'm being raped here!" At the top of my sugar coated lungd but as per usual, no body gave a shit.

Then, I'm not lying to you, one of the dolls pulled out some make up and started spattering it onto my face.

Finally, one of them slammed what felt like a wig onto my head and I have a feeling I'm not the first person to wear it...

Then Bubba gave the signal for the dolls to release me and, agile creature I am, I sprang up immediately.

LIAR! HE WAS A FLOPPING ABOUT LIKE A PIECE OF BACON ON A STRING!

Sorry about that rude interruption, Emily has been watching far too much porn, I can literally see her brains dripping out of her ears in rude shapes.

Regardless, I stood up and instantly demanded what harm they had done to my beautiful self.

Bubba gave me a look. "Being the mirror." He commanded and two of the dolls dropped what they were doing instantly and fetched a rectangular mirror that was grabbed by a golden rim.

Now I was shocked. I was so shocked, that I had to sit down to fully process this.

I didn't believe that it was possible to make me look fugly, but somehow, they had managed it.

There was me, standing in the mirror, looking shocked. Probably because I was wearing a pink, fluffy cotton dress with unicorns drawn on it in what looked like crayola crayons, a really messy (not to mention itchy) blonde wig and with mascara and eye liner making two gigantic black rings around my eyes and red lipstick splattered all over my face.

Now I am not going to lie, I screamed. In screamed so loud and so high pitched that the mirror broke. Okay, maybe that was exaggeration but you get the point.

Now when I finally stopped screaming, Emily told me that she saw no difference. Meanie.

"Have you regained yourself yet?" Bubba asked me impatiently. I think he took my silence as a yes, "good. Now, according to my information, Alice or B-Rabbit, whichever you prefer, is currently living with her twin sister in the Abyss town you see before you," he nodded in its direction, "now we have been informed, that Alice's sister owns a strip club, auditions for this club are being held today. Now your mission, dipshit, is to distract Alice's sister for long enough for us to be able to contact Alice herself, which shouldn't be to hard or take too long. Got that?"

I said nothing.

So that, just in case any of you were wondering, was how I found myself standing in a line outside a strip club called 'I'm running out of ways to earn money'.

Original.

And you may not believe me, but even in my current state, I was still the most attractive person standing in that line.

Then a door was opened up and we all filled in and that was when I literally froze all over. It was like someone had left me outside overnight in winter, I felt like a break shaped popsicle stick. Which, although being me is a pleasant experience, is not a nice feeling.

It was about now that I realised that our (well, Bubba's) plan has gone wrong in the worst possible way.

There, sitting at a judges table scowling b down at us was the will of the abyss and, sitting next to her wearing a false moustache, was Alice.

#drama


	5. Random shit I hope will entertain you

**YOLOO PEEPIES! Yes, that was my rather failed attempt at slang. Now, I know that everyone (okay not everyone but all the people who are still reading this) wants to know what happens. Now, as I haven't finished that yet, I'm going to do this little amusing thing I came up with.**

**Basically, this is a collection of random shits I think will give you lols. Like jokes and other amusing artefacts. **

**Here's the first one: **

**It's called.**

**If PANDORA HEART'S PEOPLE TEXTED.**

**Will of the Abyss:** Cheshire, you coming 2 mine 4 T?

**Cheshire: **tfgcn8fc58ivunksw

**WOTA: **Ummm...Cheshire...are you alright?

**Cheshire: **I'm hacving ter type with mer foots.

* * *

**Me: **Hey Breeeeaaaaaak

**Break:** Who gave you my number?

**Me:** I can see you with my two, TWO eyes.

**Me:** ◔̯◔

**Me:** Jealous?

**Break:** Bitch...

* * *

**Okay, enough of that retardity that dares to appear in this...retarded story. Shit. Anyway, the next one,**

**Is called:**

**15 Things Cheshire Does When he's Bored. **

1\. Sleep.

2\. Ruin all the wallpaper by pissing on it cos' that's what cats do.

3\. Eat all the catfood and then complain to the Will about how you feel so fat.

4\. Paint your claws multicoloured and pretend to be a girl.

5\. Get caught doing this by the will.

6\. Get dragged off to therapy.

7\. Accidentally call Alice Alice. The wrong Alice.

8\. Cry about getting duped at the cat's home by the Will so she can go to a party.

9\. Break out of the Cat's Home and feel like a ninja.

10\. Sneak into the house and go on the computer to look for porn.

11\. Realise that as you don't have any fingers, you aren't very good at using a computer.

12\. Try to fix it.

13\. Smash the computer up by accident.

14\. Think about when the Will's getting back.

15\. Panic.

* * *

**Are you laughing yet? No. Okay. **

**ANYWAY... This next one is where, all the characters I can be bothered including are going to tell us a story. Basically, one of them says one line and the others have to continue it by saying another line, so in the end we get a little story. **

**This is an actually activity that me and my friends do in school all the time. **

**Here we go: **

**Break:** Once there was a fairy cake...

**Will: **Made out of semen.

**Alice: **O.O Then a girl ate it...

**Will: **And she got pregnant.

**Glibert:** (these people are retarded) Them she had a son and-

**Cheshire:** And he grew up and became gay.

**Me:** CHESHIRE! WTF MAN! WTF ARE YOU DOING HERE! YOU AREN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO GO HERE! GO AND SULK IN THE CORNER UNTIL IT'S YOUR TURN.

**Cheshire:** -_o Excuuuuuuuuuse me.

**Me:** You are excused. Now go fuck off to nyan cat land.

**Everyone:** OOooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh...

**Break:** Sass...

* * *

**Yeah... That's enough for now I hope. I hope to update this PROPERLY soon and yes, Alice's mustache and everything that happens in the strip club will become important. **


End file.
